The Hanged Man

The Hanged Man

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Weekly Report #4_2023_05_14 Don't Want to Work

#周报520
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The person is feeling a sense of meaninglessness and is studying English and reviewing vocabulary. They are also learning about Rust and working on deepening their understanding of certain concepts. They have been injured while exercising and feel frustrated with their life, wanting it to be more ordinary. They have been reflecting on their job and feel dissatisfied with it, possibly due to a lack of fulfillment and limited future possibilities. They question whether climbing the corporate ladder and sacrificing personal time is worth it. They have been saving money and wonder if they need to continue pursuing a career in a big company. They are considering a career change or even quitting to focus on learning and contributing to open-source projects. They feel uncertain about their future and are contemplating different paths to happiness and freedom. They enjoy programming but dislike repetitive tasks and meetings. They are considering leaving their current job for a shorter work week or even quitting to focus on learning and contributing to open-source projects. They feel restless and admire people with clear goals and purpose in life. They are unsure of their own purpose and are open to new opportunities.

The meaningless feeling still troubles me~

Study#

English#

  • Reviewing vocabulary. Read a short news article every day. Planning to take the IELTS exam in half a year?

Technology#

  • Rust. Became more familiar with various features, no longer need to look them up. Started to understand some deeper concepts, such as things related to lifetimes.
  • Problem-solving. Finished the daily problem.
  • Open-source projects. None. I will keep this paragraph until I am capable of making pull requests to open-source projects.

Work#

  • Really don't want to work anymore.

Life#

  • Got injured during exercise, sigh. Why is my life always full of accidents? I just want to live a peaceful and ordinary life.
  • History: None.
  • Recreation: Finished watching BEEF. Watched two UEFA Champions League matches. Can't play games anymore.
  • Action practice: None. Read some blogs sporadically, but not motivated. I feel that these trivial issues are not worth solving until the truly important problems are resolved.
  • Investment: None.

Some Thoughts#

During this period, I have been thinking about what this job has brought me, it seems like nothing except income. I have always agreed with the idea that to live, one needs to be self-consistent and without loss. So I am trying to analyze the source of my current pain.

Is it low income? Poor material life? Lack of a sense of achievement? High pressure?

Seems like it, but not entirely. This job hasn't given me enough sense of achievement; there is no one to hand over the things that need to be learned quickly, it's a mess, and there is also pressure to hurry up. But to be honest, the colleagues and leaders are very nice, the working atmosphere is not bad, and the income is slightly higher than that of peers of the same age. So what am I anxious about, what am I suffering from?

I thought about it and realized that it might be dissatisfaction with the lack of possibilities for the future.

In big companies, especially in Chinese big companies, climbing the ladder, job hopping, salary increases, buying a house, getting married or not, having children or not, switching to another big company or a startup. While climbing this path, there is very little personal time and vacation. This path may allow me to earn a house or equivalent cash in my thirties, and then what?

After working for nearly two years, I have bought all the electronic products that I couldn't afford before due to poverty, and even have many redundancies, which means that I may not have a large order worth thousands of dollars for several years. The money I have saved, without considering interest and illness, is enough for me to live comfortably for nine years. Do I really need to spend so much time climbing the ladder within a big company? I know that accumulating some money, such as a few million, during this process can make life easier in the future, and even be able to live on passive income. But is the value of a year in my twenties the same as a year in my thirties? I mean, I still regret some choices I made in high school because I cared too much about so-called learning and college entrance exams, which were not important on the long-term path of life, or had a low cost-effectiveness. I can guarantee that it would be more cost-effective to spend a lot of time surfing the internet and coincidentally learn about some trends and reality to help make professional choices, rather than spending that time improving a major that I didn't like, was time-consuming, and had poor job prospects in mainland China.

Am I facing the same situation now? Have I put too much time and energy into climbing the ladder within a big company or between them, neglecting the external paths that may lead to more happiness/freedom? I mean, I am already very depressed, mentally resisting work, so considering these things may not be groundless worries.

First of all, I don't dislike programming, and I even enjoy studying technology. What I dislike is endless repetition, meetings, and the urgency to go live.

So for me, would it be a better choice to cut losses in a timely manner, switch jobs, or even take a pay cut to join a company with shorter working hours? Or even quit my job and focus on studying at home, fully investing in the open-source community? Is this a one-way road from big companies to the outside? I'm not sure.

I need more introspection and contemplation, and seize better opportunities decisively when they arise.

I am too restless. I envy people with clear goals.

A person who knows why they live can endure any kind of life.

I don't know.

MORE#

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